Another birth and death

I often credit Glow as my way back from the dark place of being babylost. Without the perspective and honest head space that I've been able to get here I wouldn't have made it as well I have from losing my son Beckett. He was delivered September 29, 2008 due to a placental abruption,

Nine months later we were pregnant again, due on B's due date. I lost another summer due to horrific "morning" sickness and missing out on many usual summer activities, but was willing to endure since I knew that our luck really couldn't be THAT bad to lose another baby like we had the time before.

And then lightning struck us again. On September 22, 2009 another beautiful son, Sullivan G, was stillborn due to an abruption. We picked up his remains from the funeral home on Beckett's first birth/death day.

And somehow I'm still here and breathing. Sometimes it's all I can do -- in and out, rhythmic and life-giving. But mostly his death just feels normal. Of course he was stillborn too. That seems to be our "theme." It's sameness rings through us in this rainy and favorite time of year, the rooms they were born in, the hospital food, the engorged and leaky breasts...it's all so familiar. But this familiarity bears no comfort, except when I can know that my boys are together in the great "out there" together.