But more than just leaving my "roaring twenties" behind me I'm looking forward to what the thirties have in store for me. I keep telling myself over and over, "Julie, while you're in those 30's you'll never, ever have to hold another one of your dead babies in your arms." Sick, I know. But it's sickly comforting. It's something I know for sure -- I'll never have to say goodbye to another one of my babies before it's time. I'd like to think that my bad luck is over and done with, but I guess my father's cynical vein still runs deep in me. So while I don't necessarily look forward to this turn of the clock, I look forward to what I still have in me.
I hope that the grief fog will let up sometime soon-ish. I'm leaving grocery stores with only a quarter of the things on my list, running out of gas while I remind myself all morning that I need to stop and fill up, being thankful that the bus picks up and drops off so that I don't forget to pick up J and M (because I know I would one of these days). I'm looking very forward to just being back to me -- scatterbrained as ever, but not like this. I wasn't like this when B died -- I was just sad. All the time, mourning and bereaved. And with S I'm just a mess of dates and numbers and times that all have meaning in the day to day scheduling but I can't seem to keep anything straight. The sadness is there, it's just very different and a little more removed. It's manifesting differently, but that frustrates me too. When S died I thought, "Okay. We know how much this sucks, but at least we know the ropes." But when I reached for those ropes for reassurance they were different. That morbid familiarity that I was expecting wasn't there and that sucks even more.
But I'm surviving. And I'm here. And I have an amazing husband and two incredible kids. I have a new house that is quickly feeling like home. I have the most unbelievable friends and family that I could ever ask for. And I know who I am. And I know I'll never have to say goodbye before I say hello ever again. And that is cause for celebration, no matter how old I am.
*excerpt from glow
"I’ve often wondered what it takes for a person to survive something like this. What fabric makes up the kind of soul who can stare down the deepest and darkest tunnel of despair and turn up alive at the other end? Hardly unscathed, but alive nonetheless. None of us are superheroes as far as I’m aware. Just your average Joes and Janes, as random as it comes, without a (traditional) superpower or weapon of choice in sight. Yet here we stand, called on to perform an astonishing, awe-inspiring feat.
This thing called surviving. We do it. We are all doing it, right this second."
And if you haven't checked out NieNie's blog before I insist you head over there! Perspective, perspective, perspective from an amazing woman that I love to learn from almost every day.
nieniedialogues.blogspot.com
3 comments:
Hi, found your blog through a comment you left on Tash's. I'm sorry for your losses. I know exactly what you mean when you say you won't have to hold anymore of of your dead babies. I actually "comfort" myself with that thought at times, even though I still fantasize about trying at least one more time.
A few posts back you mentioned snapping at your living children. That is something that is so hard for me. I feel SO guilty when I am not being the "perfect" mother. I try to forgive myself and realize I am doing the best I can with mothering and grieving, but it is so hard. I just wanted to say thanks for mentioning it, (I never want to admit when I get grumpy with my daughter, too guilty feeling)and for what you said about focusing on being their mommy. That thought is what gets me through my days, my daughter holds me up in ways that are probably unhealthy, but help me survive this mess.
Hope to read more soon.
I was so relieved when 2009 was over. Annus horribilis.
The most sorrowful year of my life was over. I absolutely hope and pray that this year wont hold such dire raw pain. Of course there are no guarantees, but we can hope hey?
Thinking of you Julie... when I first read of your most recent loss (i think it was in Sept or Oct) I sat on my couch and cried and cried and cried. More, perhaps, than I have cried for any "stranger".
Hope your "crossing the void" into the thirties will be a joy-filled time x(And yes - def let me know if you have any ambitions of visiting SA!!!)
Oh honey, I've read this before but I came back to visit it again, and every time I think of how much you've lived through, how much you have stared in the face, it moves me so incredibly.
My love,
M
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